I'm sitting outside drinking my coffee with my caramel flavored creamer and listening to the birds and watching Jaimison jump on her little trampoline laughing and I'm smiling and then it hits me. My baby died. Harper is gone and she is never coming back. It takes my breath away. Like someone punched me in the stomach. It's like sometimes I let myself hope, just the tiniest twinge of hope, that Harper is really going to come back. Like this is all a test to see how we handle it and then we really will be able to take our precious, beautiful baby girl home with us.
This wasn't the plan. This wasn't how things were supposed to shake out. We were happy, hard working people. We follow the rules and the laws and did and do everything right. We always wanted a house and two dogs and two kids, the works, the all American dream. We were on our way and then boom. A bomb dropped right into our life and everything changed, everything exploded.
I'm so lucky to have my amazing husband and my beautiful Jaimo and my two dogs and my house. We make a decent living and we can pay our bills. Our families are supportive and healthy. We have amazing amazing friends that have loved us and supported us through this nightmare. I'm so lucky. I tell myself that everyday, but really, I just want my baby back. I just want Harper, here, in my arms with her big sister showering her with kisses. Instead we have talks about heaven and death and why Harper ("Cupcake") will never, ever be coming home.
Sometimes I'm just sad.
Sometimes you just have to hope, for a split second, that things will be better again someday.
Someday we will have our rainbow baby and Jaimison will be a great big sister and Harper will never be forgotten, she will always be a part of our family.
Someday we will have 3 babies instead of 2.
Someday....
No comments:
Post a Comment